A proposed tangible explanation for one of humanity’s most sought after and romanticized phenomena.
Do you believe in soulmates?
What does the word soulmate mean to you?
Do you think your current partner, if applicable, is your soulmate?
The word soulmate, I think, is overused and is the default explanation when romanticizing a person, often the current significant other, without much thought or deliberation because emotions tend to overrule logic, especially when in a relationship or in pursuit of one.
Inspired by a recent conversation with a friend about relationships and life with a partner, I thought about exactly who a soulmate should be, what a soulmate is, and tried to construct a tangible, albeit evolving and customizable, criteria to qualify and/or classify as one.
A soulmate, in my own definition, is someone who is both aligned and/or complementary (depending on preferences) to your lifestyle, your life’s goals, and your holistic existence as a human being in perpetuity since your initial connection. A soulmate relationship is mutually beneficial with constant equal efforts from both sides or achieving close to perfect equilibrium over the course of both parties’ lives. Simply, it should be two people together who bring out the truest self of each other.
In growth and in stagnation. In triumph and in defeat. In peace and in crises.
Satisfied with each other. Sulking with each other. Supporting each other.
I believe there are categories in three prioritization levels essential for any relationship.
For someone to be considered your soulmate, they must align on the prioritization of the connection points and either align or complement (depending on your preferences) on ALL of the subsequent connection points.
For the sake and intentions of this article, the following criteria is based on my own expectations of who I can consider to be my soulmate. The primary connection points for me may be secondary or tertiary for others, and vice versa, and the categories in my primary, secondary, or tertiary, might not necessarily be prioritized similarly in someone else’s criteria.
Before I share my criteria, I thought it would be fun to ground my subjective criteria with facts, namely the size of the population and the breakdown per age. Here’s the table I constructed.
The assumptions I made, of course, were just assumptions and were oversimplified for the sake of calculations (as I had no way of putting into numbers how much of the population would really be filtered out depending on the answers on my criteria). Despite how simple and generous I was with the filtering of the population, the odds do not reflect an increased likelihood of meeting your soulmate. For context, there is a 0.0000003% chance of winning the lottery compared to the 0.0000018% chance of meeting your soulmate between ages 20–24. Per my unofficial calculations, you are six times more likely to meet your soulmate between 20–24 than win the lottery!
Is it worth going on a quest to find your soulmate as much as it is worth playing the lottery $2 at a time? Requiring a 100% match might not be ideal since you risk losing out on great relationships with those who are in the 99th percentile of your preferences, and even those in the C+ range of high 70s.
It’s admirable to aim for the coveted 100% match, but the pursuit of perfection may prove to be putrescent rather than picturesque.
Without further ado, here’s my list (aimed at you, the reader, thinking about a potential partner).
Primary Connection points (deal-breakers for a romantic relationship to work):
a. Intellectually
- Can you talk to them about the things on your mind?
- Can you understand them?
- Will you find their thoughts to be valuable?
b. Mentally
- Are they where you are?
- Are they where you should/could be?
- How do they approach life? (Optimist or pessimist? Growth or fixed mindset? What philosophies do they live by?)
- Are they logical or emotional?
- What are their life principles?
- Do they have a good relationship with themselves?
- Do they think like you do? Can you respect their thought process?
- What kind of relationship are they looking for?
- What’s their personality like? (Clingy? Distant? Introverted or Extroverted? Are they conscientious?
- How are they continuously improving themselves? (What influences their thinking?
c. Emotionally
- Are they trustworthy?
- Can they express their emotions properly?
- Do they have a good relationship with their family and friends?
d. Physically
- Are you attracted to them?
- What’s their relationship with sex?
Secondary Connection points (amazing to have, tolerable without)
a. Ambition
- Are they as driven as you are?
- What do they want to do with their life?
- Where do they see themselves in five years?
- What’s their ultimate goal?
- How can they say they’ve lived a successful life?
b. Lifestyle
- How quick are they to do the things they want to do?
- Are they a night owl or an early bird?
- Do they work out? Do they take care of themselves?
- Are they a planner or more spontaneous?
- How do they see money? What are they spending their money on?
- What do they do in your free time?
- Do they do drugs? Do they smoke?
- What do they like to do on weekends and/or free time?
c. Life Plans
- What do they want to do with their life?
- What are some of the things they want to do? When do they want to do them?
- What’s on their bucket list?
- What are the things they envision you doing together?
- What age do they want to get married by? Thoughts on kids? Parenting style?
- Where do they want to live?
d. Life Status
- What would they say are some of their biggest accomplishments to date
- What are they most proud of in their life right now?
- Where are they in their professional life?
- Where are they financially?
- How educated are they?
- Are they where they think they’d be?
- How far away are they from where they’d want to be? Are they on track to be where they’d want to be?
- Is their present aligned with their future?
e. Social Circle (Family/Friends)
- What’s their relationship like with their family? (Are they toxic? Are they healthy? Will you get along with them?)
- Can their friends be your friends?(Are their friends good influences? Are they holding them back? Are they pushing them towards their goals?)
Tertiary Connection points (preferences at this point to make the relationship as smooth as it can be, but not a big deal since, I think, this is what friends are for)
a. Diet
- Do they have any dietary restrictions?
- Do they love food?
- What do they like to eat?
- What times do they eat?
- Where do they like to eat?
b. Religion
- How spiritual are they?
- How likely are they to persuade you to share their religion?
c. Interests
- Are they into sports? (If so, what sports do they like? Do they watch? Do they play?)
- What kind of music do they like? (Who are some of their favorite artists? Why do they like them? How long have they liked them? How much would they spend on a concert?)
- Do they appreciate art? (What do they consider to be art?)
- What kind of movies/shows do they like?
I think all three priorities are intertwined and are interconnected with each other. Your tertiary connection points will influence your secondary connection points, which will show up on your primary connection points, and so on and so forth. How you approach life mentally is as good indicator as any of your current life status.
You, yourself, have to know the answers to these questions to quickly understand if you’re looking for someone aligned with or someone that complements your thinking.
All in all, I think romantic relationships can work as long as there’s alignment between all of the primary and some of the secondary connection points.
Love can be compared to an “it factor” in that is extremely subjective. Either you feel it or you don’t.
While I may agree to some extent, I will beg to differ. That infatuation and raw emotion can be ephemeral. True love, I think, is the amalgamation of different emotions and different thoughts, everything that we recognize as well as those that are present in our subconscious, either by way of biases, past experiences, or preconceived notions.
Be it a 100%, 90%, or even a 50% match, a relationship worth pursuing, worth having, is a relationship worth pondering, examining, and improving
After all, what’s perfection if not progress persevering?
